Day 37

I don’t sleep very well that night but I expected it. Today is shopping day. There is no staying in bed, no long hours battling with my words, no compulsive checking of Twitter to avoid doing what I’ve set out to complete. No. Today there is a quick breakfast, a cup of tea drained without really tasting it, and clothes hurriedly put on.

We are out of the house as the supermarket opens for the general public. We have never been food shopping in the morning and we’re hoping that by doing so we can buy some eggs. There is no queue outside of the shop. I grab a trolley and walks in, greeting a gentleman in a suit looking more like a manager than a security guard.

Through aisles I have by now memorised, I walk and pick a selection of fruits and vegetables. Then comes the milks, yoghurts, and cheeses. Next up are the alcohol and the condiments. We’re okay for the latter but by there side are the eggs. I go into the aisle as the person in front exits it. Cartons of eggs fill the shelves. I grab what we need and move on. I want to do a dance, I want to be happy about having the eggs I like again but I cannot. I have to hold onto the tension inside of me until I am out and there are still the chocolates, the cereals, the breads, the sauces, the teas and coffees, the biscuits, the ice-cream, and the frozen food to go through.

More barriers have been erected at the tills which now resemble airport security lines. I pass through unhindered. At the exit, a security guard has joined the man in the suit. I find our car, dump the bags in the boot, go through the list of steps we have to complete before we can put the food in our fridge, freezer, and cupboards. We know it but I say it anyway, like a litany that will keep us safe. My partner drives off and I walk home as fast as I can.

Our gestures are well oiled and I feel more relaxed than I’ve ever been on shopping day but then it hits me. The food put away, my clothes in the washing machine, my body washed, and the house cleaned, I collapse. Lunch only quells the rumbling of my stomach. I consider reading for the rest of the day but even this is too much effort. Isettle on the sofa instead, turn on the Nintendo Switch and play, losing myself in the world of lego style Harry Potter until dinner time.