#LockdownDiary – One of many – Day 15

#LockdownDiary – One of many – Day 15

Day 15

Today I have been feeling down.

It’s not an overwhelming feeling, more of a presence hovering inside of me. It’s balanced on a thin line, about to collapse at any moment, break, and take over me. I pause every now and again and think about that feeling, that line. I imagine it stretched just right and I will the thing on it to keep balancing. And it does.

I am feeling down but I am not sad.

I am familiar with this feeling and know that it will pass. I get it every month around my period. Everything could be right with the world, I would still feel meh. I have learned to recognise this and not fight it. I let it be. At best it makes me contemplative and reflective, at worst it makes me want to isolate myself and cry.

Today it’s a bit of both. Alone is how I want to spend my time, not interacting with people online or in the physical world. So I hide in the study all morning working away at my new audio project. I close the door of the kitchen in the afternoon when I cook some of our vegetables that are on the turn. I go running with my headphones listening to a few podcasts. And I think. I think about the topic discussed in the podcasts, I think about the lyrics of a song I listened to earlier, I think about paintings in the National Gallery and how I miss being able to wander in it. But I do not cry.

I end my run with a walk today. I am in no rush to get back home. The sun is warm and it has been a good run. My body has not been in pain and my breathing has remained steady. I take a narrow overgrown path through the nature reserve. Bluebells are coming out. I spot a stile. I hate stiles but this one, today, makes me smile.

Eventually I return home, there is only so long I can stay out. I pour myself a glass of water, squeeze some lemon juice in it, and add a couple of ice cubes. I go back to the study to type those words.

I am still feeling down but I am peaceful too. It’s as if the thing balancing on the line has grown more steady. I know it will not topple over, not today anyway.

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